You cheap bounder. How ruddy disgraceful to think that you’ve not a ha’penny to your name. Not to worry! His Lordship will guide you to the high life. Read on, skipper!
Make certain that people think you live here…
Even if you happen to live here…
Zero Budget Scallywaggery…
A GS always keeps himself amused, and an excellent source of mirth is to poke fun at officialdom.
As a GS, you’ll spend your life spinning tall tales, so get in a bit of practise at the shallow end of the pool. If you are unfamiliar with the glorious art of inventing fascinating stories on the fly, begin at a small country town, or with your local council. Take it slowly at first: it may take months before you’ve built up the experience to fool presidents and royalty.
Find yourself some official or expensive looking stationary from your local newsagent (if pennies are tight, A4 paper and a printer will do) and print up an impressive looking letterhead indicating that the Foreign Affairs Department of the People’s Republic Of Syldavia will be sending their esteemed monarch on a tour of the local area, with a view to purchasing local produce by the ton for his adoring subjects in his charming little dictatorship.
The local council will be ecstatic: the most interesting thing that ever happens there is when the mayor wets his pants every second council meeting. The local newspaper -with a circulation of twelve people -will be overjoyed.
Acquire a false moustache, and find a worn out suit at your local charity store. Grab some worthless medals from a toy shop, and furnish yourself with a vague accent. Off you go!
It’s best that your tour be related to wine and food, so you can suggest that the natives in your country may be keen to make large purchases from this area; this will encourage people to furnish you with free gourmet food and wine, and lavish luxury upon you.
Show appreciation, but mention that the competing town nearby wishes to sell their grubby old wares to your countrymen; this will make your hosts try all the harder – and they’ll be so determined to impress you they’ll overlook any minor issues, such as your moustache falling into your soup.
Warmly congratulate the mayor, drop hints of marriage to his daughter (Syldavia needs a queen, to take charge of their twelve shoe factories, and to hang fine jewelry upon) and make vague promises, alluding to the life of luxury and elegance you enjoy in your private dictatorship. This is a sterling opportunity to build a set of roguish skills that will stand you in good stead in later years. Mock your hosts mercilessly, flirt with the women, stuff your guts, drink a few gallons, enjoy the intrigue, and have fun! Brilliant, wot! Cheerio!
George Dupre, who convinced people he was a spy for the Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare
Further brilliance will be added to this post shortly, you’ll kick yourself if you miss it.