Can’t afford whiskey? Fear not, His Lordship has a solution…
In these tough times, even the most affluent of us must sell off a younger sister or top an eccentric uncle or two for the insurance. But the real tragedy is when financial pressures impinge upon one’s whisky swilling.
You would have noticed, when you built your first whisky still at the age of six or seven, that it’s a drink like no other. I mean, before you’ve even taken the first sip, I trust you managed to blow up your still? My great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather put the first satellite in orbit, -a double-barrel mark IV Flynn whisky still, circa 1765, a mark of family pride and a goal for all future Flynns to reach toward. And the taste! Lions and tigers and bears, -oh my!
Now obviously you’d rather set yourself on fire than touch a blended whisky, so Lord Flynn’s found some downmarket alternatives.
At the more regal end of the spectrum we have Shell Helix HX3 Motor Oil, showcasing a complex nose with just a hint of inbreeding, a rather chinless palate, and the same mouthfeel as your grandmother’s corgi. The finish is as long the headmaster of Oxford and tastes rather the same, old fellow.
A midrange drop is GTX from the Castrol brewery, with the bitter taste of divorce, but with the lingering finish of a much younger mistress, you’ll lap this one up.
If you drive a pickup truck and eat roadkill, then the Smart Buy from Coles Brewery might just be your moonshine. One can detect notes of chewing tobacco and alligator, a palate of confederate flag with notes of banjo and armpit sweat, and a finish of incest, not altogether unexpected.
I hope this has been helpful, it’s always my intention to help people the world over. Note that drinking alcohol is a deadly sin in Islam, so for this reason fewer than sixty percent of Muslims drink. But whether you’re a terrorist or a mullah, his lordship aims to please.